Monday, October 26, 2009


I have a lot going on in my head so I'll just start.

I am wondering if women make a choice? to be oblivious to certain things when in a relationship. Like, I know my man doesnt "get" me but oh well, or I know men are all lying dirty cheats but, oh welll, I'll choose to ignore these things and be unaware.
I guess I am just questioning or trying to understand the motivation? or the why? behind people's choices. Why do people hurt the ones they love the most? Or is it, they don't really love them at all, or just not enough. So then, how do we know when someone loves us enough.
People want to put precautions on love, and therein lies the problem I think. Oh, well if you're into that, or this, I'm gone. Oh, I only will stay around if this, or that. How can that be? Is love so transitory?

I was reading old emails, from 2007:
"I guess I just want to be me. There’s something goin on either with me, or with you, if I feel like I’m hiding something or things about me. This is me. My skin, my dirt, my faults, my weakness, my beauty, my greatness, my soul. Can I give that to you? Do ya want it? Really, do ya? You sure? Can I have yours? Can you GIVE me yours?"

So many questions.
I have to stop, my brain hurts.

Friday, October 9, 2009


Lots of thoughts. Where to start, where to start.

I am thinking and wondering about interconnectiveness of relationships. People you willingly/naturally and unknowingly/subconsiously let in your life to help/change your relationships with others, and so on down the line. I think this is true.

I have made a lot of progress in many areas of my life. Confidence- I remember having to write CTC on my hand, on post its, ingrain into my head.. Carry The Confidence.. sometimes the only way I could cope in situations that me anxious or feel not good enough. If people only knew what I was saying to myself in my head to pump myself up just to walk through a crowd, ha!
I also feel at a better understanding of myself, I love how life is constant change, such a chance to really know yourself, and if you're lucky other people truly, and to the core. I see more and more who I am, and where I come from, and understand better and better the ways of myself, and sometimes others. Life is so interesting. For lack of better gargantuan terms.