Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A jingle.

A love letter.


Monday, August 2, 2010

Cerebral Swim

Entanglement. Love/hate. Soulmate.

Monday, July 12, 2010

The Pursuit

The only thing I know for sure is that there is something bigger than myself out there. Capable, magnificent, and wonderous. Is it Gaia, God, Mother-earth, collective soul, something else entirely? I don't know.

I don't know who God is or how to find out.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I'm working on memories right now. Remembering. There's a lot in my life, mostly between 18-22? and the time that I was married that almost feels like it didn't happen. I don't remember much of myself in that time, I don't know what I thought or what I WAS. It creeps me out, makes me feel alzheimers onset-ish. I think most of those memories I just pushed down, repressed, so it's hard to bring them forward again. Not hard in the sense of emotionally, just simply hard to remember because I've forgotten my own memories. I'm going to try to go back and remember things, even childhood memories, etc. Might help me keep figuring out this thing called life a little more.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Probably my favorite thing in the world is a large Panera iced-tea and a Shortbread cookie. Is that sad? lol

Monday, June 21, 2010

Cold Roses

My boy has only been gone to his dads for a few days, and will return in 27 more (sigh) but I'm taking it a lot harder than I thought. I don't know what to call this emotion, depression? grief? but it's something I wasn't prepared for. This is the longest he's went for, so I'm assuming that has a lot to do with it. I'm hoping that a good cry in the shower will do the trick, but in the meantime I'm feeling a little more than fragile. :/

I suck at writing today.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Probably the most ____ (insert perfect word here) thing about life is the fact that things constantly change. For better, worse, weird, etc. They always do. Where you are now isn't where you'll be someday soon. I think there is a perspective that comes with this thought but I don't really know how to explain.

Monday, June 7, 2010

I need you.

So much on my mind today. Love. Memories, hopes, realities, visions, sigh.

Life is so weird. The way it gives and takes. The way things are. Aren't.
I feel the charge in the air, the fire in my veins.
What to do, what to do.

Friday, June 4, 2010


So much for non-melancholy eh. It's been a weird week. I personally feel really great about myself.. but my relationship is kind of mucky at the moment. I hate that. My first reaction is to flee.. hard for me not to do that. So I'm trying. Hoping things will pan out. One way or another, it always does.

I bought curtains at lunch for my house. I hope they go well with everything. Put the rug down, finish unpacking everything and I'm good to go for awhile I think. I love my house. It only hits me every now and then that it's mine.

Blah blah blah. Snap me out of this funk.

Friday, May 28, 2010


I'm just a little bit pissed off at myself right now. I don't know if the correct way to say it is "I take pride" but, I guess I really put a lot of emphasis? or VALUE, that's it, in helping people out. Without thinking, considering it, etc. Just doing it. And today I had opportunities to do that, and I didn't. I'm having a social anxiety kind of day, but really I should have. Ok, self-beating over.

P.s. I'm going to try to start blogging more as a daily thing..and maybe not always so melancholy. "Try" being the key word here. =)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Gains and Losses

I have a burdensome heart. It's hard to leave people behind. Especially when you both know how sad it is. It's easier I think to leave things where they ended badly, and then just have that time as space between you. But then again, I think it's worth the little bit of rekindled ache to eventually allow a person forgiveness and the peace of knowing theres not anger in that space anymore, just sadness. Sometimes the person is still worth it I guess, even with everything piled on top. Still hurts anyhow.
And time and memory continues..

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


I find comfort in melancholy. I feel alive in sadness, because I seem to find some kind of joy in it. I think because it's an emotion none of us are free of, so I feel connected to..something at least. Twisted, eh?

I may be imagining but I swear I can hear someone, the video taker? singing ever so softly along at some parts. That's exactly what I mean.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Massive Zen

Today I had a major desire to research Tibet, Buddhism, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and it got me looking into Buddhist meditations. I've looked a lot into this previous, and Zen, etc etc. I was talking with a friend about some of this, and he knows a woman who is a Buddhist Nun. There again, interconnectiveness, just shows me I'm on the right path.. Anyways, I'm jealous of this person I don't even know. Maybe I should be a Buddhist Nun. Or at least claim this as my label so I can have the worlds permission to think and act the way I want lol. It seems everyone wants to put a label on everything, make a decison, make a choice, KNOW IT ALL. I entirely disagree with this principle. Why not know what you know in the moment, and live your live in present. Reflect on past, look to future, but live in present. I'm all over the place in this post I know, but I'm trying.
I'd like to re-read a few books I have, and a few new ones. Practicing meditations feels like something I need to be doing. I sometimes, all the time, feel that I need to spend the majority of my free time in self-knowledge and awareness. And by doing this, I can serve others better. I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a full partner with someone, the way the world expects it to be. I like to think my purpose is to serve and give love to many people, and what I get back is an added bonus. I don't know. My thoughts are all dashing like waves. Maybe I'll write more later with clarity.

Oh, and interesting concept I don't want to forget. A reviwer's blurb on "How to See yourself as you really Are"- Dalai Lama said the following-
"We are not our body, nor even our mind. if we were we could not say my mind or my body. Then what are we? We are "like" and illusion existing through our 5 aggregates, body, thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and consciousness. No "I" can be located. The closest we can come is understanding that we are consciousness observing the present moment, all else is thought and mental formation. Who we think we really are is just a mental formation we hold in our mind of our beliefs about ourselves our religion, height, weight, name, etc. Enlightenment is simply understanding this and the nature of reality."
I like this. =)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Blackest Words

I love when life throws crumbs at you. Little specks, tiny pieces of soul nourishment, and it's always at the most insanely BEST times. I cherish those moments unbelievably so. I can't stop smiling, and I'm literally edging forward on my chair. I love that alive feeling, of excitment, and joy, it's unmatchable. I'm struggling through writing this just because the right words won't come to describe it.

I'm always vague, even with the faceless audience of my own head sometimes, so I'm going to try to let more out here. My favorite band, and not just a band and the amazing music, also are the most gratifying and interesting pair of characters in this world. I never fail to discover more and more connection, and learn so much, and feel so much, as when whatever is happening with my life is connected somehow, in any smallest way to them. So anyways, on their website I found a link to a few letters the male counterpart had written. He's a mind blowing author and writer. And wow, talk about being stunned, floored, filled, and lifted away. Mmm. It's just made my life. Really.