Soulfully Frenetic

Books.

2011-01-31T12:53:00.001-08:00

I'm going to turn this into a reading blog for a bit. And see how that goes.

The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan

I loved this book. I liked the style, the truthfulness. I forgot most of the time that it was fiction, and felt like I was watching a movie or reading a diary.

Imperfect Birds: A Novel by Anne Lamott

Nothing thrilling about this one. This isn't my first by the author, but I definitely didn't feel any wow or growth in this novel. I was ready for it to end, and when it finally did, I still found myself disappointed.

Dear Happy

2011-01-21T13:02:00.001-08:00

It's weird to be generally happy. I don't think a lot of people get to experience true happiness in their lives. At least for extended/continuous amounts of time. "Happy" is kind of one of those terms, like "Love", that is hard to define, and different for everyone. I think part of happiness is circumstance, the other choice. A lot of people don't know how to react to someone else being happy either. I know I used to be like that sometimes. Damn you for being happy. Weird, maybe, because it's what we're all after. ::I just had a thought of people being like zombies somehow and going after the humans..rawr..I'm not sure why::

Anyways.

I read a book a few nights ago. "The Lover's Dictionary" by David Levithan. It was great. Short little novella. I forgot most of the time it was a story, and kept laughing (and sometimes choking up) at the sincerity and portrayal of real relationship life. It made me happy. So, you should read it.

2010-08-03T14:14:00.001-07:00

A jingle.

A love letter.

Connection.

Cerebral Swim

2010-08-02T13:10:00.000-07:00

Entanglement. Love/hate. Soulmate.

The Pursuit

2010-07-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

The only thing I know for sure is that there is something bigger than myself out there. Capable, magnificent, and wonderous. Is it Gaia, God, Mother-earth, collective soul, something else entirely? I don't know.

I don't know who God is or how to find out.

I feel like church is calling to me, and I have NO idea why. Church and I have had several go-rounds, each time it being more different and bizarre than the last.

Memories

2010-06-30T11:28:00.000-07:00

I'm working on memories right now. Remembering. There's a lot in my life, mostly between 18-22? and the time that I was married that almost feels like it didn't happen. I don't remember much of myself in that time, I don't know what I thought or what I WAS. It creeps me out, makes me feel alzheimers onset-ish. I think most of those memories I just pushed down, repressed, so it's hard to bring them forward again. Not hard in the sense of emotionally, just simply hard to remember because I've forgotten my own memories. I'm going to try to go back and remember things, even childhood memories, etc. Might help me keep figuring out this thing called life a little more.

Content

2010-06-24T13:05:00.001-07:00

Probably my favorite thing in the world is a large Panera iced-tea and a Shortbread cookie. Is that sad? lol

Cold Roses

2010-06-21T13:25:00.001-07:00

My boy has only been gone to his dads for a few days, and will return in 27 more (sigh) but I'm taking it a lot harder than I thought. I don't know what to call this emotion, depression? grief? but it's something I wasn't prepared for. This is the longest he's went for, so I'm assuming that has a lot to do with it. I'm hoping that a good cry in the shower will do the trick, but in the meantime I'm feeling a little more than fragile. :/

I suck at writing today.

Morph

2010-06-15T06:38:00.001-07:00

Probably the most ____ (insert perfect word here) thing about life is the fact that things constantly change. For better, worse, weird, etc. They always do. Where you are now isn't where you'll be someday soon. I think there is a perspective that comes with this thought but I don't really know how to explain.

I need you.

2010-06-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

So much on my mind today. Love. Memories, hopes, realities, visions, sigh.

Life is so weird. The way it gives and takes. The way things are. Aren't.
I feel the charge in the air, the fire in my veins.
What to do, what to do.

Fail

2010-06-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

So much for non-melancholy eh. It's been a weird week. I personally feel really great about myself.. but my relationship is kind of mucky at the moment. I hate that. My first reaction is to flee.. hard for me not to do that. So I'm trying. Hoping things will pan out. One way or another, it always does.

I bought curtains at lunch for my house. I hope they go well with everything. Put the rug down, finish unpacking everything and I'm good to go for awhile I think. I love my house. It only hits me every now and then that it's mine.

Blah blah blah. Snap me out of this funk.

Stiiiiick.

2010-05-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

I'm just a little bit pissed off at myself right now. I don't know if the correct way to say it is "I take pride" but, I guess I really put a lot of emphasis? or VALUE, that's it, in helping people out. Without thinking, considering it, etc. Just doing it. And today I had opportunities to do that, and I didn't. I'm having a social anxiety kind of day, but really I should have. Ok, self-beating over.

P.s. I'm going to try to start blogging more as a daily thing..and maybe not always so melancholy. "Try" being the key word here. =)

Gains and Losses

2010-05-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

I have a burdensome heart. It's hard to leave people behind. Especially when you both know how sad it is. It's easier I think to leave things where they ended badly, and then just have that time as space between you. But then again, I think it's worth the little bit of rekindled ache to eventually allow a person forgiveness and the peace of knowing theres not anger in that space anymore, just sadness. Sometimes the person is still worth it I guess, even with everything piled on top. Still hurts anyhow.
And time and memory continues..

Restless

2010-03-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

I find comfort in melancholy. I feel alive in sadness, because I seem to find some kind of joy in it. I think because it's an emotion none of us are free of, so I feel connected to..something at least. Twisted, eh?

I may be imagining but I swear I can hear someone, the video taker? singing ever so softly along at some parts. That's exactly what I mean.

Massive Zen

2010-02-18T07:44:00.000-08:00

Today I had a major desire to research Tibet, Buddhism, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and it got me looking into Buddhist meditations. I've looked a lot into this previous, and Zen, etc etc. I was talking with a friend about some of this, and he knows a woman who is a Buddhist Nun. There again, interconnectiveness, just shows me I'm on the right path.. Anyways, I'm jealous of this person I don't even know. Maybe I should be a Buddhist Nun. Or at least claim this as my label so I can have the worlds permission to think and act the way I want lol. It seems everyone wants to put a label on everything, make a decison, make a choice, KNOW IT ALL. I entirely disagree with this principle. Why not know what you know in the moment, and live your live in present. Reflect on past, look to future, but live in present. I'm all over the place in this post I know, but I'm trying.
I'd like to re-read a few books I have, and a few new ones. Practicing meditations feels like something I need to be doing. I sometimes, all the time, feel that I need to spend the majority of my free time in self-knowledge and awareness. And by doing this, I can serve others better. I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a full partner with someone, the way the world expects it to be. I like to think my purpose is to serve and give love to many people, and what I get back is an added bonus. I don't know. My thoughts are all dashing like waves. Maybe I'll write more later with clarity.

Oh, and interesting concept I don't want to forget. A reviwer's blurb on "How to See yourself as you really Are"- Dalai Lama said the following-
"We are not our body, nor even our mind. if we were we could not say my mind or my body. Then what are we? We are "like" and illusion existing through our 5 aggregates, body, thoughts, feelings, perceptions, and consciousness. No "I" can be located. The closest we can come is understanding that we are consciousness observing the present moment, all else is thought and mental formation. Who we think we really are is just a mental formation we hold in our mind of our beliefs about ourselves our religion, height, weight, name, etc. Enlightenment is simply understanding this and the nature of reality."
I like this. =)

Blackest Words

2010-01-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

I love when life throws crumbs at you. Little specks, tiny pieces of soul nourishment, and it's always at the most insanely BEST times. I cherish those moments unbelievably so. I can't stop smiling, and I'm literally edging forward on my chair. I love that alive feeling, of excitment, and joy, it's unmatchable. I'm struggling through writing this just because the right words won't come to describe it.

I'm always vague, even with the faceless audience of my own head sometimes, so I'm going to try to let more out here. My favorite band, and not just a band and the amazing music, also are the most gratifying and interesting pair of characters in this world. I never fail to discover more and more connection, and learn so much, and feel so much, as when whatever is happening with my life is connected somehow, in any smallest way to them. So anyways, on their website I found a link to a few letters the male counterpart had written. He's a mind blowing author and writer. And wow, talk about being stunned, floored, filled, and lifted away. Mmm. It's just made my life. Really.

Heavy

2009-10-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

I have a lot going on in my head so I'll just start.

I am wondering if women make a choice? to be oblivious to certain things when in a relationship. Like, I know my man doesnt "get" me but oh well, or I know men are all lying dirty cheats but, oh welll, I'll choose to ignore these things and be unaware.
I guess I am just questioning or trying to understand the motivation? or the why? behind people's choices. Why do people hurt the ones they love the most? Or is it, they don't really love them at all, or just not enough. So then, how do we know when someone loves us enough.
People want to put precautions on love, and therein lies the problem I think. Oh, well if you're into that, or this, I'm gone. Oh, I only will stay around if this, or that. How can that be? Is love so transitory?

I was reading old emails, from 2007:
"I guess I just want to be me. There’s something goin on either with me, or with you, if I feel like I’m hiding something or things about me. This is me. My skin, my dirt, my faults, my weakness, my beauty, my greatness, my soul. Can I give that to you? Do ya want it? Really, do ya? You sure? Can I have yours? Can you GIVE me yours?"

So many questions.
I have to stop, my brain hurts.

Uhhhh

2009-10-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

Lots of thoughts. Where to start, where to start.

I am thinking and wondering about interconnectiveness of relationships. People you willingly/naturally and unknowingly/subconsiously let in your life to help/change your relationships with others, and so on down the line. I think this is true.

I have made a lot of progress in many areas of my life. Confidence- I remember having to write CTC on my hand, on post its, ingrain into my head.. Carry The Confidence.. sometimes the only way I could cope in situations that me anxious or feel not good enough. If people only knew what I was saying to myself in my head to pump myself up just to walk through a crowd, ha!
I also feel at a better understanding of myself, I love how life is constant change, such a chance to really know yourself, and if you're lucky other people truly, and to the core. I see more and more who I am, and where I come from, and understand better and better the ways of myself, and sometimes others. Life is so interesting. For lack of better gargantuan terms.

Good Thinking

2009-09-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

Sheryl Sandberg, COO Facebook, says this:
"When I am asked about career strategies, I respond that you need two things: a long-term dream and one- to two-year plan. A long-term dream allows you to work with purpose to achieve real fulfillment. A short-term plan makes sure you are learning and growing from the work you do each day. All the stuff in the middle is confusing at best and anxiety-producing at worst. If I had tried to connect those dots when I left college, I would never have worked at Google or Facebook, companies that did not even yet exist. When you try to plan every step, you miss opportunities. I believe that if you are open to opportunity and respect the people who share their dreams with you, the rest will take care of itself."

This not only sits well with my career-mind, but also in a personal way. Relationships, personal goals, etc. can all use this model. Interesting to me..

Sound of Madness

2009-09-09T12:47:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like I'm gearing up for something. Gathering strength. I feel ready to take up the cause, fight to the end. Who or what, I don't know lol. Myself most likely. I've got that habit you know, of doubting myself, forgetting who I am, what I am, what I'm worth. Just have to remember, and keep digging, hand over hand. I'm still here.

Value

2009-07-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

Maintain the state of undistractedness, and distractions will fly away. Dwell alone, and you shall find the Friend. Take the lowest place, and you shall reach the highest. Hasten slowly, and you shall soon arrive. Renounce all worldly goals, and you shall reach the highest Goal. If you follow this unfrequented path, you will find the shortest way. If you realize Sunyata (the absolute Emptiness), compassion will arise within your hearts; and when you lose all differentiation between yourself and others, then you will be fit to serve others.
--Tibetan Yogi Jetsun Milarepa (c. 1052-c. 1135 CE)

"I again realized that everything is impermanent and time is relative. You can never, ever, ever be in a permanent relationship. Being with somebody for 3 minutes is no different than being with somebody for 50 years, when you see the big picture. And being by myself for 3 minutes is no different than being by myself for 50 years. When you realize this, loneliness ceases. And you realize that you are by yourself exactly at the right time and you are with people exactly at the right time. When you give up control and worry, then everything and everybody comes exactly when and where you need it. Everything. "

-Excerpts and quotes from http://sites.google.com/site/livingwithoutmoney/

Very interesting, excellent concepts, food for thought. And that, my dear, is free.

Thoughts of the Day

2009-07-10T08:09:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try to post a thought of the day, daily. We'll see how that goes.
Today's thought...

I'm thinking that maybe the people who claim the most to be right, and good, non-crazy, great energy, and have the ability to point a finger at those they claim are bad, bad energy, negative spirit, this person/that person somehow affects them in a bad way, can sometimes be the ones who are most crazy.

We're all good and bad. In different ways, on different scales, but nonetheless. And I think those with bigger bad sides, sometimes work harder to cover it up..

Siiiigh. Forgivvvenesssss...

2009-07-09T11:25:00.000-07:00

I've recently added several family members to my facebook. Aunts, cousins, etc. People that all for reasons large or petty, I've really just fallen out of touch with. Some for shorter time spans, others for the last decade. So maybe it's not really forgiveness, I don't really know what it is. Just kind of trying to be bigger, better, ya know. I think it's important to stay in touch with your family. It's hard for me to add those people, but it also makes me feel really good. So that's that.

Kismet/Synchronicity/Life.

2009-06-09T08:55:00.000-07:00

I guess most things depend on whether or not you believe in circumstance.

"This world will never be what I expected..and if I don't belong"

2009-06-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

I like highly emotional people. Passionate. Intellectual. Thoughtful. Introspective. People.

I don't know how well I relate or feel comfort in those who are never fazed, unemotional, calm, cool, collected at all times. I'm sure it's great, but it kind of makes me wonder if they're really feeling anything. How in this world could you ever be in a continuous perfectory (1) state? Even if you were within yourself, how do you not pick up on the multitude of emotions others are feeling when in their presence. I don't know. This is just on my mind.

1. apparently this isnt a word. but i know how i mean it to be used.

Lyrics

2009-06-02T08:25:00.000-07:00

I feel immensely proud, a little immature, and very lucky to really, really love Incubus. Lol.

I'm tired of talking to myself in my head.

2009-06-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

Seriously.
And I feel like my thoughts are wasted..on myself? Hmm. I think more so that the things I think, sometimes, are worthy of writing down. So I can think about it again later. Or change my mind. Etc. Anyways, I just feel like I'm about to burst if I don't have an..outlet, to use for thoughts. Or you know, just to talk to myself and type at the same time. We'll see. I feel better already. :)

This will either be my first and last post, or hopefully.. one of several posts a day as I try to clear and manuever my way through this period in my life. What it is I don't know. But I'm figuring it out.