Heavy

I have a lot going on in my head so I'll just start.

I am wondering if women make a choice? to be oblivious to certain things when in a relationship. Like, I know my man doesnt "get" me but oh well, or I know men are all lying dirty cheats but, oh welll, I'll choose to ignore these things and be unaware.
I guess I am just questioning or trying to understand the motivation? or the why? behind people's choices. Why do people hurt the ones they love the most? Or is it, they don't really love them at all, or just not enough. So then, how do we know when someone loves us enough.
People want to put precautions on love, and therein lies the problem I think. Oh, well if you're into that, or this, I'm gone. Oh, I only will stay around if this, or that. How can that be? Is love so transitory?

I was reading old emails, from 2007:
"I guess I just want to be me. There’s something goin on either with me, or with you, if I feel like I’m hiding something or things about me. This is me. My skin, my dirt, my faults, my weakness, my beauty, my greatness, my soul. Can I give that to you? Do ya want it? Really, do ya? You sure? Can I have yours? Can you GIVE me yours?"

So many questions.
I have to stop, my brain hurts.

Uhhhh

Lots of thoughts. Where to start, where to start.

I am thinking and wondering about interconnectiveness of relationships. People you willingly/naturally and unknowingly/subconsiously let in your life to help/change your relationships with others, and so on down the line. I think this is true.

I have made a lot of progress in many areas of my life. Confidence- I remember having to write CTC on my hand, on post its, ingrain into my head.. Carry The Confidence.. sometimes the only way I could cope in situations that me anxious or feel not good enough. If people only knew what I was saying to myself in my head to pump myself up just to walk through a crowd, ha!
I also feel at a better understanding of myself, I love how life is constant change, such a chance to really know yourself, and if you're lucky other people truly, and to the core. I see more and more who I am, and where I come from, and understand better and better the ways of myself, and sometimes others. Life is so interesting. For lack of better gargantuan terms.

Good Thinking

Sheryl Sandberg, COO Facebook, says this:
"When I am asked about career strategies, I respond that you need two things: a long-term dream and one- to two-year plan. A long-term dream allows you to work with purpose to achieve real fulfillment. A short-term plan makes sure you are learning and growing from the work you do each day. All the stuff in the middle is confusing at best and anxiety-producing at worst. If I had tried to connect those dots when I left college, I would never have worked at Google or Facebook, companies that did not even yet exist. When you try to plan every step, you miss opportunities. I believe that if you are open to opportunity and respect the people who share their dreams with you, the rest will take care of itself."

This not only sits well with my career-mind, but also in a personal way. Relationships, personal goals, etc. can all use this model. Interesting to me..

Sound of Madness

Today I feel like I'm gearing up for something. Gathering strength. I feel ready to take up the cause, fight to the end. Who or what, I don't know lol. Myself most likely. I've got that habit you know, of doubting myself, forgetting who I am, what I am, what I'm worth. Just have to remember, and keep digging, hand over hand. I'm still here.

Value

Maintain the state of undistractedness, and distractions will fly away. Dwell alone, and you shall find the Friend. Take the lowest place, and you shall reach the highest. Hasten slowly, and you shall soon arrive. Renounce all worldly goals, and you shall reach the highest Goal. If you follow this unfrequented path, you will find the shortest way. If you realize Sunyata (the absolute Emptiness), compassion will arise within your hearts; and when you lose all differentiation between yourself and others, then you will be fit to serve others.
--Tibetan Yogi Jetsun Milarepa (c. 1052-c. 1135 CE)

"I again realized that everything is impermanent and time is relative. You can never, ever, ever be in a permanent relationship. Being with somebody for 3 minutes is no different than being with somebody for 50 years, when you see the big picture. And being by myself for 3 minutes is no different than being by myself for 50 years. When you realize this, loneliness ceases. And you realize that you are by yourself exactly at the right time and you are with people exactly at the right time. When you give up control and worry, then everything and everybody comes exactly when and where you need it. Everything. "

-Excerpts and quotes from http://sites.google.com/site/livingwithoutmoney/

Very interesting, excellent concepts, food for thought. And that, my dear, is free.

Thoughts of the Day

I'm going to try to post a thought of the day, daily. We'll see how that goes.
Today's thought...

I'm thinking that maybe the people who claim the most to be right, and good, non-crazy, great energy, and have the ability to point a finger at those they claim are bad, bad energy, negative spirit, this person/that person somehow affects them in a bad way, can sometimes be the ones who are most crazy.

We're all good and bad. In different ways, on different scales, but nonetheless. And I think those with bigger bad sides, sometimes work harder to cover it up..

Siiiigh. Forgivvvenesssss...

I've recently added several family members to my facebook. Aunts, cousins, etc. People that all for reasons large or petty, I've really just fallen out of touch with. Some for shorter time spans, others for the last decade. So maybe it's not really forgiveness, I don't really know what it is. Just kind of trying to be bigger, better, ya know. I think it's important to stay in touch with your family. It's hard for me to add those people, but it also makes me feel really good. So that's that.

Kismet/Synchronicity/Life.

I guess most things depend on whether or not you believe in circumstance.

"This world will never be what I expected..and if I don't belong"

I like highly emotional people. Passionate. Intellectual. Thoughtful. Introspective. People.

I don't know how well I relate or feel comfort in those who are never fazed, unemotional, calm, cool, collected at all times. I'm sure it's great, but it kind of makes me wonder if they're really feeling anything. How in this world could you ever be in a continuous perfectory (1) state? Even if you were within yourself, how do you not pick up on the multitude of emotions others are feeling when in their presence. I don't know. This is just on my mind.

1. apparently this isnt a word. but i know how i mean it to be used.

Lyrics

I feel immensely proud, a little immature, and very lucky to really, really love Incubus. Lol.

I'm tired of talking to myself in my head.

Seriously.
And I feel like my thoughts are wasted..on myself? Hmm. I think more so that the things I think, sometimes, are worthy of writing down. So I can think about it again later. Or change my mind. Etc. Anyways, I just feel like I'm about to burst if I don't have an..outlet, to use for thoughts. Or you know, just to talk to myself and type at the same time. We'll see. I feel better already. :)

This will either be my first and last post, or hopefully.. one of several posts a day as I try to clear and manuever my way through this period in my life. What it is I don't know. But I'm figuring it out.